All bakwaas

Well , I know , I know . It’s been almost 20-25 days since something breathed on this blog. Struck by a case of ‘I miss him’, around a dozen girls all over the country have killed themselves, another seven are being rushed to hospital and I can’t even count the ones who are out on Sunday shopping for nylon ropes and rat poison pills right now. But here I am, so chill, breathe and smile, for I am still single and confused. Anyways, a lot of water has flown under the bridge since I last wrote ( I know, my usage of English idioms is ekdum Zabardast :P ).

Now some news from my past 20 days -

• On last to last weekend, I realized, that I need to clean my computer table, my almirha and my jhugi (room to hai hi nahi mujh gareeb k paas :( ). So Ladies, Gentlemen and Karan Johars , I hereby wish to inform you, with great pride, and a jhadoo in my hand, that I have cleaned out my room , and it looks sparkling now. In fact, my neighbour spotted me sweeping the floor, he actually commented something about the sun rising in the west, or something equally impossible. Very smart. I think I need to molest his younger son to teach him a lesson now.
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• last weekend, I went to Gurgaon for a friend’s wedding. But what unsettled me was that this friend, who always said - "main to kabhi shaadi nahi karunga", looked confused during his wedding. Some hours before the wedding, he told me ‘I hope I am doing the right thing.’ I looked up from the glass of orange juice ( Note – Another fluid has been replaced with Orange Juice for the purpose of this post), and said “Bhai, I don’t know if you are doing a right thing or a wrong thing, but you are definitely doing it, because now I have spent my money buying you a wedding present, and I am not going back for a refund.” So he went ahead with it and is in Egypt now on his honeymoon. One of the few chaps who went to a ‘mummy’ when most of us would never want our mothers around on our honeymoons.
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• Last week one girl called me a mama's boy when she heard me saying "mummy, 7 baje tak aa jaaunga" on phone. I said "Yeah, I am a mama's boy. I love my mom. And I totally understand it if people from your side of the world eat their mothers, but we dont. We love them all our lives." I actually said that. If you ever needed to understand what a stunned woman looks like, you should have been there.
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• Some days back, a friend of mine, who seems to be a male from what I know of him, commented that I am a lovable person. I still have not decided if that is to be classified as a compliment or a gayish attempt at molestation.
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• One of my frnd is helping me to drive car these days. I past a biker so close yesterday, I think his shirt still got car paint on it. He was high on DVDs of Dhoom series. Was doing that wavy zig zag thing ahead of car and not letting me pass. I quit honking, switched the gear and zipped right past him, leaving around half an inch between car and him. And I did it with a smirk. Music does it. Rock on the car radio. And I am a Salman Khan on the road . You better not sleep on the pavement outside your home.
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• These days i wake up at 7 am, as i joined gym. Bcoz after coming back from pune i become bit health conscious. But here in delhi my mom ruined my all dieting plans. so I need to watch my weight now. I mean ,i dont wanna see little kids with there fingers pointing at me and yelling ‘Look mama , that ball has legs !”. A little bit of physical activity never killed anybody , unless that activity resulted in pissing off Mike Tyson.
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• Right now, there is this domestic problem at my home – my mom’s purse is missing. Now , under normal circumstances, if anything goes missing in my home or in a radius of 20 kilometers around it, my mother just walks up to me and says “Where is it ? Bata kuute ! Jab dekho pange leta rheta hai. Maje mat le, bta jaldi. Tell me if you want to get dinner!”.
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• In other news, the probability of me getting engaged is at its peak now. Mai kisi bhee waqt paraya credit card ban sakta hoon. Haha majak tha yaar, but I appeal to all the ladies who have been secretly admiring me from behind pillars, ghoonghats, bushes, trees and other places of hiding, to please step out and declare your undying love towards my C grade and misunderstood brand of humor, my newly developed husband-ish skill of cleaning rooms or aab to main patla bhi ho gaya hun ladkiyon. I personally believe that I am one of the last remaining specimen of Men who have that finely balanced personality mix of Akshay Kumar, George Clooney and Guddu Rangeela. What, Guddu Rangeela who? Arre bhai, Guddu. Apna Guddu ! He is a Bhojpuri Actor who just demonstrated his skills in the smash hit bhojpuri movie, Daroga Babu Bade Kadak. I think I dance exactly like him. (Is se phele ki koi mujhe ye bole - "tu bhojpuri movies bhi dekhta hai?" let me clear that this man does not exist, joke tha bas). Anywayz, coming back to the appeal, you need to act now, ladies. Guys, if you are adequately rich, you can push in an application too.

Chalo yaar ! before I go back, I want to ask you a thing. I want you to be more honest and tell me what you don’t like about me. If you feel there is something about me you don’t like , tell me. I don’t promise you that I will attempt to change myself, but I promise you I will attempt to find out where you live and stab you when you are out on your morning walk. Ok chill, seriously, tell me what you hate about me. I won’t kill you.