Empty

When I was a little kid, I thought adults lead the most cool life. I never saw my dad learning multiplication tables of 2 to 20. I never saw mom have to learn about the Maurya empire and the guys they screwed in wars. Parents could watch TV whenever they want.They could be awake till late night. And being the only son has some lovely downsides to it. Like every little nick on my knee was seen as a tetanus case and my shorts was pulled down and one of the injections was pumped in. So i wished i would grow up fast to stop them from pulling down my shorts whenever they want.

But in spite of shorts pulled down , there is something very cool about being a kid. When you are a kid, life is like an unopened box. You dont know what will come out of it. Maybe chocolates , maybe spiders , maybe rabbits , maybe toilet paper. And that gives a very beautiful sense to a kid - a sense of wonder. It is not the same as worry. The kid is not old enough to worry about his future. So he does not view any future situation and runs his little mental calculator and think -"What should i do ?". A kid is just a kid. He has no tension and no worries of the future. He just views the fun going around him with awe and amazement. A ride on daddy's shaky scooter amazes him. A fly on the table amazes him. Crawling of ants on the floor attracts him. Atleast I was attracted by them when I was a kid.

And he aint an mba or doctor or engineer or fashion designer or a gangster or a barber yet. A kid can imagine he would grow up and be anyone. He can imagine becoming a firefighter and rescuing young girls from a girls hostel on fire and then walking off into the sunset with all of them. He can imagine becoming a cricketer and hitting 147 off 93 balls and then grab 5 wickets for 11 runs to help India win the world cup. He can imagine becoming a Bill Gates and wipe his running nose with dollar notes. All that I can imagine now is working my smooth ass at some airconditioned office , and come home to watch some movie and crashing to the bed.

Im living like im watching a jim carrey movie for the 21st time. Im enjoying it , but I know whats coming next. Or maybe I am not interested in whats coming next. The life box has been opened and I know life is nothing more than an alternation of sweet chocolates and awful medicines. I have had heartbreakingly difficult times and Ive seen amazingly good times. I know what life can do to me. Its like I feel every victory or defeat is trivial. Because life is just a prime time slot given between birth and death. whatever we achieve here aint so important, is it ?

All the boyish things which seemed fun to me some time ago seem...well...boyish to me now. All this jealousy and ego around is making me turn away from some people. I am turning more and more of a private person. I spend hours in my room with music. I never had any dreams of flat plasma televisions with surround sound or those long black cars which have six doors. All i used to dream was of a happy and close family life. But lately I am starting to see all relations as a source of attatchment and misery in the long run , and thats a scary and empty feeling to have. I love my parents and a few other people. But I feel too much attachment causes pain to all. I care a lot for them but I dont want to possess anyone now. I would give my life for them , I dont want to own their lives. I just want to let go. I just dont want to cling to anything. Maybe I fear losing it. Sometimes I feel I have forgotten to love. People say I am turning away from them. I feel I am turning in to myself.

Some people spend their lives searching for what they want. Some people spend their lives searching that what it is that they want. I just live each day and dont even want to search because I feel I just do not want anything. Life is peacefully empty. I do not know if I want it to change. Something needs to be different maybe. I am not sure, Maybe I need to shake up the kid in me. The life box needs to throw up something i dont know. I need to rediscover the sense of wonder. I think ill start by redeveloping an interest in crawling of ants on the floor.

Craving for sunshine

During my 3rd year, an article was published in "Education times" about B.Techs. It said that a B.Tech passout commanded an average annual salary of 5 lakhs. One of my uncle read this article. He gasped, quickly got up from the desk, took out his cellphone and dialled my Dad's number with trembling fingers. "u know wat, your son is going to get a minimum of 5 lakhs per year as a starting salary. The details of the sensational week article were duly passed on to my Dad. My dad dropped the Files on the floor of the office, did a little dance, and yelled "my son will be rich" so loudly that the window glasses of buildings within a radius of 4.23 kilometers of the office cracked. Then he called my mom and she also dropped the plate carrying the potatoes she was peeling , dropped the kitchen knife she was peeling the potatoes with and staggered to the nearest chair.

I hope that was exciting enough. Now picture the exact opposite of this. It was me who read the article. Later, when I talked to my parents about this and all jileilahi stuff, they said - " Isko kuch ho gaya hai....doctor k paas le k jana padega......iske dimag main lagi hai lagta hai".

My family is a "small dreams" family. And this has been inherited by me. My idea of a perfect day at the age of 50 is taking out my cute little wife and two cute-er and little-er kids to a comedy movie , laugh a lot with them , throw popcorn at people , sing loudly with the songs in the movie , then go to a little cosy restaurent for dinner , spill a lot of food , laugh a lot , drop things in each other's glasses when they aint looking , and then sneak home without paying the bill :P. I dont know if I ll get that "potato-dropping-window-glass-shattering" salary , and to be as honest as a lie detector machine, I dont even care.

Being an educated person assures me that I will attain a minimum standard of financial status, that I would not need to sell my wife's "mangalsootra" and my daughter's barbie collection to buy dinner. So money is no more a motive in my life. I am intent on loving what I do. All I want is a nice and simple life. Where nobody cries much, and even if they do, there are always people to offer a nice smelling handkerchief. And it is this simplicity and innocence which the world seems to be losing. Looks like a little dream of an innocent smile is becoming too much to ask for.

A 13 year old girl was raped few days back in Calcutta. Raped in front of her parents, by four men. They watch their little girl undergo something she is too young to understand. Is it foolish to dream and hope in such a world ? I say this to myself and my friends, but is life really beautiful ? All I want is a life bathed in a little bit of sunshine, but is the darkness is too much ?

Hurry Om Hurry !

So many people are in so much hurry. I don't know y? mayb these guys know where they want to go to and they want to get there fast. You see, driven, focussed people, achievers type log. Aage badne wale log, vo log jo NDTV Profit pe bethe rhete hain. Maybe I am just a slow guy who likes to listen to music, dont wanna achive n do anything while the world around me wants to reach the stars. You see, I don't have a problem with 'wanting to achieve things' type people. Everybody is in a hurry to get something. But what I don't understand is that why hurry ? Jaldi kya hai. Kidhar jaana hai? I mean, life is not in the future. Life is now, this moment.

When I was in school, people told me happiness is to study hard.....then they told happiness is to get good marks....then they told happiness is to get into some good institute and become Engineer/Doctor/Pilot....Now When I have done that, happiness is ? Hello ! What is it nowwww ? Bol do....Kidhar jaana hai ab?

So ladies and gentlemen, now that the world has been telling me what to do, this is what I have learnt - all the above stuff is important, but happiness is something they dont need to tell you about. It is something you feel. And only you decide what makes you happy. When others don't know where you want to be, how can they tell you how to get there?

Like for me, happiness is not in becoming successful n earning money but is in becoming satisfied n happy. For me, happiness is not in doing good job, not in doing higher studies, not in achieving position, not in earning 6-7 digits salary but for me happiness is: being at home, listening to my fav type of music, in helping others, in caring for someone I want to care for, in talking to someone who understands me and accepts me even when I am all boring, in speaking stupid senti things to my frnds/parents n they scold me - "Huh? Tujhe problem kya hai?", to meet my friends, in playing pranks with my friends, happiness is just in being me.

So you see, what makes me happy is stuff I have not achieved, but stuff, which I already have. So I know I need to achieve things, but hey, there is no hurry. Because I need to achieve things to survive. But to be happy, not much is needed. Some music, a plate of tandoori chicken with uhmm uhmm u know what i mean, is just fine for now.