Total waste of time

Today while surfing the net i clicked on one link which says - "Know your future". There i have to answer some questions and then they will tell me my future by sending me a mail. But bcoz i wasted my time in answering to those stupid questions i want to share this with all of you. so here i go.

1. Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it .

Mar jaawa mirchi kha ke , these guys are talking about painful memories right away . I have a strong belief that any decent young man without a history of police encounters or public beatings should not have any scars on his 'jism'. So after a prolonged examination of the wonderland that my body is , I proclaim I have no scars on my body . I know the question demands to find a scar and even talk about how I got it as if it's the world cup trophy , but then what do I do if I have no scars ? Ab blog post ke liye I won't go around asking people "Bhai saab, please stab me thoda sa, I need to write about the scar on my body ."

2. What does your phone look like ?

Whoever designed this quiz must have been a girl . And when I say girl , I mean the 100% girly girl , who screams 'Cho chweeeeeeet' everytime looks at a baby ( Itni excite ka 'cho chweeet' bolti hai ki baby diaper mein susu kar deta hain) . I mean , no male , unless he is under the influence of alcohol , would ask a question like "What does your phone look like?". But anyway , my phone looks like..umm..surprise...a phone ! . If you are still amazed , it has a keypad and a screen too ! . And it is as brown as Janet Jackson. Chalo ho gaya. Ab phone ke baare mein aur kya documentary banau ? Phone hai ustaad , global warming nahi hain.

3. What is your current desktop picture ?

Arre ab kahan wo zamaana . If i was living alone, then you would have got a rangeen reply . You know what kinda desktop pictures we keep when at home - sunsets , palaces , gardens , monuments , waterfalls etc etc . Waise right now I see myself smiling at me on the desktop. Hi anuj.(because my wallpaper has perfectly black background with no image on it, just a clean black wallpaper. Esa lagta hai jese black diamond kaali mhendi ka pouch khol k lga diya ho desktop pe) .

4. Do you believe in gay marriage ?

Huh ? Oye gay marriage hain , koi UFO thode hee hain jo pooch rahe ho "Do you believe ?". I believe a marriage is a union of two minds , who then commit to tread the path of life together , facing all adversity and celebrating all joys together , and helping each other grow in the process . Gay or otherwise , the essence of a marriage is unaffected by such issues. Subhan allah , ekdum miss world waala answer diya na !

5. What do you want more than anything right now ?

Watch 2012 (movie) . Looks like all my friends are either married or committed to find time to go out with me . All boys outings ka to zamaana hee nahi raha . I am planning to go alone to watch this movie. (note:- if anybody interested, contact me but u have to buy your own ticket. Please dont come with any expectations).

6. What time were you born ?

On a mildly cool afternoon, that fateful day in february, 1985 , I was delivered into this world , with no indication of the fact that I was to grow up to become the wonderful and charming young man I am today :P. Within seconds of my being born , a pretty nurse with big eyes wrapped me into a soft white blanket . As she was turning back to get something else , I suddenly gripped her finger with my tiny palm , pulled her towards me and asked her in my newly discovered voice - "Aunty , time kya hua hain ?."
You actually think all this happened ? Nahi na . So how am I expected to know what time it was when I was born ?

7. Are your parents still together ?

Oye ! Abbe western culture ke poster , humare India mein parents remain together . They are very much together and have no dangerous plans . Shaadi mein fevicol khaayi thi mummy papa ne , mazboot jod hain , tootega nahi.

8. Last person who made you cry ?

Me . I believe no one else can make me cry . Tears arise out of what I do with the thoughts in my head . ( Kaafi profound hain yeh jawaab , samajh na aye tho koi nahi )

9. What is your favorite perfume / cologne ?

Yaar main koi Page 3-socialite-fashion designer types hoon jo itna perfume conscious hunga ? Apna 100 rupye mein axe deo lekar use karta aa raha hoon saalo se .Ladkiyan to ad mein hee attract hoti hain . Real life mein tho 'Namaste Bhaiyya' hee kehti hain.

10. What kind of hair/eye color do you like in the opposite sex ?

I m very adjusting and easy going person. You ask about the colors , even a lack of hair and eyes is totally cool with me ( Jyada bol gaya emotional hokar , maybe I won't be totally cool with a girl who looks like a blind Anupam Kher ).

11. What are you listening to ?

'Wake me up when september ends' from 'Greenday'. The first time someone told me there is a song which goes "Wake me up when september ends" , I thought it was about kumbhkaran in ramayan.

12. Do you get scared of the dark ?

Not if there is Katrina kaif in the same room .

13. Do you like pain killers ?

Like ? What's there to like or dislike in a pain killer ? If there is pain , I take the pill . You don't expect me to 'like' pain killers and yell "Mummy ! Aaaj lunch mein aloo ke paranthe aur pain killers bana do ! Bahut din ho gaye accha khaana khaye hue !."

14. Are you too shy to ask someone out ?

I am as 'besharam' as a C grade tamil movie . Aati kya 2012 dekhne ? Ab bolte to "aati kya khandaala' hain , but i dont wanna go anywhere which is near Pune.

15. If you could eat anything right now , what would it be ?

The guy who put so stupid questions in this tag . With some tomato ketchup.

16. Who was the last person you made mad ?

Mummy. I do that very frequently.

17. Is anyone in love with you ?

Ladies , this question is for you. Aaju baaju mat dekh , baat dil ki bol daal.

All bakwaas

Well , I know , I know . It’s been almost 20-25 days since something breathed on this blog. Struck by a case of ‘I miss him’, around a dozen girls all over the country have killed themselves, another seven are being rushed to hospital and I can’t even count the ones who are out on Sunday shopping for nylon ropes and rat poison pills right now. But here I am, so chill, breathe and smile, for I am still single and confused. Anyways, a lot of water has flown under the bridge since I last wrote ( I know, my usage of English idioms is ekdum Zabardast :P ).

Now some news from my past 20 days -

• On last to last weekend, I realized, that I need to clean my computer table, my almirha and my jhugi (room to hai hi nahi mujh gareeb k paas :( ). So Ladies, Gentlemen and Karan Johars , I hereby wish to inform you, with great pride, and a jhadoo in my hand, that I have cleaned out my room , and it looks sparkling now. In fact, my neighbour spotted me sweeping the floor, he actually commented something about the sun rising in the west, or something equally impossible. Very smart. I think I need to molest his younger son to teach him a lesson now.
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• last weekend, I went to Gurgaon for a friend’s wedding. But what unsettled me was that this friend, who always said - "main to kabhi shaadi nahi karunga", looked confused during his wedding. Some hours before the wedding, he told me ‘I hope I am doing the right thing.’ I looked up from the glass of orange juice ( Note – Another fluid has been replaced with Orange Juice for the purpose of this post), and said “Bhai, I don’t know if you are doing a right thing or a wrong thing, but you are definitely doing it, because now I have spent my money buying you a wedding present, and I am not going back for a refund.” So he went ahead with it and is in Egypt now on his honeymoon. One of the few chaps who went to a ‘mummy’ when most of us would never want our mothers around on our honeymoons.
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• Last week one girl called me a mama's boy when she heard me saying "mummy, 7 baje tak aa jaaunga" on phone. I said "Yeah, I am a mama's boy. I love my mom. And I totally understand it if people from your side of the world eat their mothers, but we dont. We love them all our lives." I actually said that. If you ever needed to understand what a stunned woman looks like, you should have been there.
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• Some days back, a friend of mine, who seems to be a male from what I know of him, commented that I am a lovable person. I still have not decided if that is to be classified as a compliment or a gayish attempt at molestation.
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• One of my frnd is helping me to drive car these days. I past a biker so close yesterday, I think his shirt still got car paint on it. He was high on DVDs of Dhoom series. Was doing that wavy zig zag thing ahead of car and not letting me pass. I quit honking, switched the gear and zipped right past him, leaving around half an inch between car and him. And I did it with a smirk. Music does it. Rock on the car radio. And I am a Salman Khan on the road . You better not sleep on the pavement outside your home.
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• These days i wake up at 7 am, as i joined gym. Bcoz after coming back from pune i become bit health conscious. But here in delhi my mom ruined my all dieting plans. so I need to watch my weight now. I mean ,i dont wanna see little kids with there fingers pointing at me and yelling ‘Look mama , that ball has legs !”. A little bit of physical activity never killed anybody , unless that activity resulted in pissing off Mike Tyson.
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• Right now, there is this domestic problem at my home – my mom’s purse is missing. Now , under normal circumstances, if anything goes missing in my home or in a radius of 20 kilometers around it, my mother just walks up to me and says “Where is it ? Bata kuute ! Jab dekho pange leta rheta hai. Maje mat le, bta jaldi. Tell me if you want to get dinner!”.
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• In other news, the probability of me getting engaged is at its peak now. Mai kisi bhee waqt paraya credit card ban sakta hoon. Haha majak tha yaar, but I appeal to all the ladies who have been secretly admiring me from behind pillars, ghoonghats, bushes, trees and other places of hiding, to please step out and declare your undying love towards my C grade and misunderstood brand of humor, my newly developed husband-ish skill of cleaning rooms or aab to main patla bhi ho gaya hun ladkiyon. I personally believe that I am one of the last remaining specimen of Men who have that finely balanced personality mix of Akshay Kumar, George Clooney and Guddu Rangeela. What, Guddu Rangeela who? Arre bhai, Guddu. Apna Guddu ! He is a Bhojpuri Actor who just demonstrated his skills in the smash hit bhojpuri movie, Daroga Babu Bade Kadak. I think I dance exactly like him. (Is se phele ki koi mujhe ye bole - "tu bhojpuri movies bhi dekhta hai?" let me clear that this man does not exist, joke tha bas). Anywayz, coming back to the appeal, you need to act now, ladies. Guys, if you are adequately rich, you can push in an application too.

Chalo yaar ! before I go back, I want to ask you a thing. I want you to be more honest and tell me what you don’t like about me. If you feel there is something about me you don’t like , tell me. I don’t promise you that I will attempt to change myself, but I promise you I will attempt to find out where you live and stab you when you are out on your morning walk. Ok chill, seriously, tell me what you hate about me. I won’t kill you.