Empty

When I was a little kid, I thought adults lead the most cool life. I never saw my dad learning multiplication tables of 2 to 20. I never saw mom have to learn about the Maurya empire and the guys they screwed in wars. Parents could watch TV whenever they want.They could be awake till late night. And being the only son has some lovely downsides to it. Like every little nick on my knee was seen as a tetanus case and my shorts was pulled down and one of the injections was pumped in. So i wished i would grow up fast to stop them from pulling down my shorts whenever they want.

But in spite of shorts pulled down , there is something very cool about being a kid. When you are a kid, life is like an unopened box. You dont know what will come out of it. Maybe chocolates , maybe spiders , maybe rabbits , maybe toilet paper. And that gives a very beautiful sense to a kid - a sense of wonder. It is not the same as worry. The kid is not old enough to worry about his future. So he does not view any future situation and runs his little mental calculator and think -"What should i do ?". A kid is just a kid. He has no tension and no worries of the future. He just views the fun going around him with awe and amazement. A ride on daddy's shaky scooter amazes him. A fly on the table amazes him. Crawling of ants on the floor attracts him. Atleast I was attracted by them when I was a kid.

And he aint an mba or doctor or engineer or fashion designer or a gangster or a barber yet. A kid can imagine he would grow up and be anyone. He can imagine becoming a firefighter and rescuing young girls from a girls hostel on fire and then walking off into the sunset with all of them. He can imagine becoming a cricketer and hitting 147 off 93 balls and then grab 5 wickets for 11 runs to help India win the world cup. He can imagine becoming a Bill Gates and wipe his running nose with dollar notes. All that I can imagine now is working my smooth ass at some airconditioned office , and come home to watch some movie and crashing to the bed.

Im living like im watching a jim carrey movie for the 21st time. Im enjoying it , but I know whats coming next. Or maybe I am not interested in whats coming next. The life box has been opened and I know life is nothing more than an alternation of sweet chocolates and awful medicines. I have had heartbreakingly difficult times and Ive seen amazingly good times. I know what life can do to me. Its like I feel every victory or defeat is trivial. Because life is just a prime time slot given between birth and death. whatever we achieve here aint so important, is it ?

All the boyish things which seemed fun to me some time ago seem...well...boyish to me now. All this jealousy and ego around is making me turn away from some people. I am turning more and more of a private person. I spend hours in my room with music. I never had any dreams of flat plasma televisions with surround sound or those long black cars which have six doors. All i used to dream was of a happy and close family life. But lately I am starting to see all relations as a source of attatchment and misery in the long run , and thats a scary and empty feeling to have. I love my parents and a few other people. But I feel too much attachment causes pain to all. I care a lot for them but I dont want to possess anyone now. I would give my life for them , I dont want to own their lives. I just want to let go. I just dont want to cling to anything. Maybe I fear losing it. Sometimes I feel I have forgotten to love. People say I am turning away from them. I feel I am turning in to myself.

Some people spend their lives searching for what they want. Some people spend their lives searching that what it is that they want. I just live each day and dont even want to search because I feel I just do not want anything. Life is peacefully empty. I do not know if I want it to change. Something needs to be different maybe. I am not sure, Maybe I need to shake up the kid in me. The life box needs to throw up something i dont know. I need to rediscover the sense of wonder. I think ill start by redeveloping an interest in crawling of ants on the floor.